you make me feel like i don’t belong here, like i haven’t been here or lived here all my life with you. i know how to fucking shower in my own bathroom. i live here too you know. it may not be all week long but that’s just the way the tables turn. i can’t get out of anything here, i feel trapped yet i feel like i don’t belong. you even forget i was even here sometimes. do you like know how i feel when you tell a story and will be like “so one time,” or “oh god you weren’t here were you” YES i was. like what the fuck am i to you now? a ghost? cause i sure feel like it.

i love you. but i want to see you. today was nice, it was a half hour spent well. and since i couldn’t see you the other night it made up for it. i wish you stayed for dinner though. and i wish we coulda went upstairs and spent time alone. cause that’s all i ever want to be, alone with you.

i don’t wanna get hurt, but i’m willing to do this for as long as i can have you.

i wish everything didn’t have to revolve around sexual things. but i’m starting to think i’m the only one in today’s teenage society that believes if you’re in love it doesn’t mean you have to fuck the person every waking hour of your life.

i don’t know how to feel. jen says use my head. i wish i knew where to find it. i mean i do i just don’t always want to use it.

life is getting in the way of the wonderful summer i had planned in my head.

i need school to be over with.

going to read to kill a mocking bird and fall asleep.

goodnight.

mom, why do you put up with his shit? he’s 100% asshole and you’re in denial. i can’t express to you the amount of hurt you’ve caused me over the past 9 years of my life, and yet it continues. everday is a struggle to just get to your house and get out the next day because i don’t want to be around him. he’s no good for you, for anyone. and i hate him and you know that. you choose him over me almost everday and i hate it.

nikki, why aren’t you here when i need you the most? out of everyone, even including my own mother i need you. you’re so important to me and as i literally sit here and fight back a mental break down with my head throbbing i just wanna call you and cry. yet, something tells me your busy and you wouldn’t answer even if i tried.

you, i’m tired of your lies and this superficial realtionship. this isn’t doing anything but hurt me day after day and i’m tired of waiting for something good to come out of it. i’m done. i really can’t do this anymore.

some higher power that may be watching me at this very moment, help me. please. i can’t tell you how weak i feel right now. my head wants to explode with every thought i harbor every single day. i want to tell everyone everything or move away and start over. i hate this. i hate this so much.

jen, if you’re reading this. thank you for being the absolute only one who i can literally tell everything to. and i wish you were home more often so we could hang out.

i am DONE with your fucking bullshit. all you ever wanna do is sext, sext, sext. i’m not here for you to fucking use as you please. talk is talk it’s fucking cheap and it means nothing to me. AT ALL. you can’t wait for the weekend? the one you’re not spending with me again? like fuck off. seriously. you’re ALL talk and i’m sick of your bullshit. you say something and never do it. thats gotta be my NUMBER ONE pet peve. like keep your fucking promises and words and just don’t fucking say you’re gonna see me, or actually grow a fucking pair and DO IT. i’m so so so sick of this. i’m getting bored. and aggrivated. and i’m already pissed off and you don’t help. you hurt not help, i’m DONE with this shit.

THANK YOU top driver for FUCKING screwing up my FUCKING classes and FUCKING making me wait until FUCKING MAY to get my FUCKING LISCENCE!

i’m literally so pissed off right now like i don’t give a fuck about anything. i’m so sick of everything and everyone and thank fucking GOD that it’s friday tommorrow. so done with school. EVERYTHING.

you told me you loved me.

i said it back.

i’m trying to figure out what kind of love this is. it’s not like completely real. it’s not like i mean it like i would if i said it to nicole. if i would say it to her it’d be 110% real because i was in love with her and i do love her. always will.

i think this is like, more like an infatuation or a healthy obsession. we’re not like completely indulged in each other crazily, but we like each other a lot. so i think it’s more than a like, less than a genuine love. there are times where i’ve felt it so much i just wanted to say it, and never could. like hey, i love you. yeayea i know it’s the “L” word but what if i do mean it? i mean i do or else i wouldnt have said it back.

then, i did what i always do. do that and breakdown because i don’t wanna be that person. i feel like this is all a repeat of what i lost for so long and it’s coming back and it’s worse. i thought i wasn’t attatched. i don’t even think i am. i care a lot but there’s no pure attatchment yet. at least i don’t think there is. this is so hard. especially because i have to handle it on my own and i can’t tell anyone.

i always hated what you made me. but now i’m stuck here and don’t know what to do.

it’s 7:25 on a saturday night and i’m home doing chemistry homework. what is this. so much for us hanging out tonight, evidently thats not happening. but i guess i really didn’t expect it too. you always let me down, i just got used to it i guess.

i even asked you what you were doing. it’s alright though.

have you ever wished for an endless night? lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight? have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

yes, i have.

is it ever gonna change? is something good gonna happen soon?

they say time heals everything but i’m still waiting.

i’m just rollin’ in the lyrics tonight.

adios.

jen. if youre reading this, im sorry for ruining your cousins relationship with you.

i had a big fight with you tonight, you blamed me for everything and said i was crazy and in therapy because i screwed myself up. these past three weeks i have felt like my old self again, crazed, paranoid, i dont know why i care about what you do. it all came rushing back, like bam hit me and slapped me square in my face. and we fought tonight and screamed and yelled like always. and i know i hurt you, but you hurt me too. so its all a game again . I dont even know what to say other than the fact that you completely destroyed me in every way possible. and im never gonna repair myself from that. and i cant talk to you anymore. i guess going a month without talking was the best thing to do, and now i need to to that again. only longer, forever. i cant do this to myself anymore. i just shouldnt care and its not worth it. i just cant idk, let go.

never make someone your everything.

you told me tonight alls i do is yell at you for everything and you dont know what to do about it. its not fair to you that ive been a bitch, but its not fair to me that you put me in the position im in. but when you said that, it was like someone took the world right out from under my feet and shook it so i could blatanly see it. you sound exactly like nicole. exactly like how i used to be. and i dont wanna be that person with you. i like who i get to be with you because im genuinely happy. i dont want you to see the real me. the emotional fucked basket case jealous bitch i can be. because nicole brought out the worst in me. and you bring the best. and i actually want you around for awhile. its been a long night, and its pouring. and i just dont know what to do anymore. goodnight.

i don’t know why you’re talking to me. did i not just spend a whole night yelling at you last weekend? like what the fuck. you awkwardly stared at me for like three minutes on your way out of the class you purposely come to to see me and tell me ‘can you text me please?’ like alright. what is that. i did not want you to talk to me again after that. whatever. i’m not letting you get to me anymore. done with this shit.

too much alcohol for one weekend…bad news bro.

i’m glad you like them, so stop telling me you like me. like, what the hell. i don’t even get you. at all. you’re putting me in the worst position possible because you know i want you so badly and you clearly want me too yet, they’re there. and there’s nothing you can do about it but sit there and play us both. so sick. cool. i’m about ready to give up again. and everytime i tell myself that you give me a reason to stick around. i don’t understand our relationship and really wish i could but whatever. one day at a time.

i wish i had a date to prom and i wish i wasn’t going to be an hour late because i have a pretty dress.

you’re going to be there with her. ew.

dance all night and be happy vs. spending my whole night in the bathroom?

yet, i still want to go to prom.

what the hell is wrong with me.

i have no idea.

okay bye.

pretty sure i threw up every where last night now my bed sheets smell rediciously. pretty sure i do not remember anything but like, texting you and i don’t even know what i said to you. pretty sure i almost drank a case well, i did drink a case of mikes hard by myseld basically. i feel sick, and it didn’t help that i drank on an empty stomach either. fuck. i really hope my parents go to the gym tmrw because now i’m actually sober and can clean up my mess and maybe talk to them like a real human being seeing as i do not know how i did last night. i vaguely remember speaking to them and they didn’t suspect anything. i just hope they didn’t hear me puking my guts out all over my bed at whatever time that was. fuck this bro. i drank and apparently kept going till i knew i was drunk. and i had to come home too. not a smart choice amanda.
well, fuck.
bye.

1. why did you delete me off facebook? you blonde ugly bitch. i’m pretty sure i never did anything to you i don’t even fucking know you. i guess there’s a reason why no one likes you.

2. cool we haven’t really talked in two days. you stopped texting goodmorning. sick bro.

3. i love capt. sleeping in is the best.

4. tommorrow’s finally friday.

5. angelica beerbaum if you’re reading this i miss you.

6. i hate half of the population of southington, more like 99.56%.

7. tentative plans to break rules of society this weekend? ohyeah.

8. country concerts and summer and drinking.

9. you seemed depressed today…HAHAHAHA. oh well.

10. that is all.