secrets for no one.

i haven't posted on this in a while, but it's necessary tonight.

Mon, 30 May 2011 21:48:44 -0400

you make me feel like i don’t belong here, like i haven’t been here or lived here all my life with you. i know how to fucking shower in my own bathroom. i live here too you know. it may not be all week long but that’s just the way the tables turn. i can’t get out of anything here, i feel trapped yet i feel like i don’t belong. you even forget i was even here sometimes. do you like know how i feel when you tell a story and will be like “so one time,” or “oh god you weren’t here were you” YES i was. like what the fuck am i to you now? a ghost? cause i sure feel like it.

i love you. but i want to see you. today was nice, it was a half hour spent well. and since i couldn’t see you the other night it made up for it. i wish you stayed for dinner though. and i wish we coulda went upstairs and spent time alone. cause that’s all i ever want to be, alone with you.

i don’t wanna get hurt, but i’m willing to do this for as long as i can have you.

i wish everything didn’t have to revolve around sexual things. but i’m starting to think i’m the only one in today’s teenage society that believes if you’re in love it doesn’t mean you have to fuck the person every waking hour of your life.

i don’t know how to feel. jen says use my head. i wish i knew where to find it. i mean i do i just don’t always want to use it.

life is getting in the way of the wonderful summer i had planned in my head.

i need school to be over with.

going to read to kill a mocking bird and fall asleep.

goodnight.

i'm actually the biggest unstable emotional mess in the entire world right now.

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 21:53:02 -0400

dear world.

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 20:47:55 -0400

mom, why do you put up with his shit? he’s 100% asshole and you’re in denial. i can’t express to you the amount of hurt you’ve caused me over the past 9 years of my life, and yet it continues. everday is a struggle to just get to your house and get out the next day because i don’t want to be around him. he’s no good for you, for anyone. and i hate him and you know that. you choose him over me almost everday and i hate it.

nikki, why aren’t you here when i need you the most? out of everyone, even including my own mother i need you. you’re so important to me and as i literally sit here and fight back a mental break down with my head throbbing i just wanna call you and cry. yet, something tells me your busy and you wouldn’t answer even if i tried.

you, i’m tired of your lies and this superficial realtionship. this isn’t doing anything but hurt me day after day and i’m tired of waiting for something good to come out of it. i’m done. i really can’t do this anymore.

some higher power that may be watching me at this very moment, help me. please. i can’t tell you how weak i feel right now. my head wants to explode with every thought i harbor every single day. i want to tell everyone everything or move away and start over. i hate this. i hate this so much.

jen, if you’re reading this. thank you for being the absolute only one who i can literally tell everything to. and i wish you were home more often so we could hang out.

sick of all the insincere.

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 14:58:34 -0400

i am DONE with your fucking bullshit. all you ever wanna do is sext, sext, sext. i’m not here for you to fucking use as you please. talk is talk it’s fucking cheap and it means nothing to me. AT ALL. you can’t wait for the weekend? the one you’re not spending with me again? like fuck off. seriously. you’re ALL talk and i’m sick of your bullshit. you say something and never do it. thats gotta be my NUMBER ONE pet peve. like keep your fucking promises and words and just don’t fucking say you’re gonna see me, or actually grow a fucking pair and DO IT. i’m so so so sick of this. i’m getting bored. and aggrivated. and i’m already pissed off and you don’t help. you hurt not help, i’m DONE with this shit.

THANK YOU top driver for FUCKING screwing up my FUCKING classes and FUCKING making me wait until FUCKING MAY to get my FUCKING LISCENCE!

i’m literally so pissed off right now like i don’t give a fuck about anything. i’m so sick of everything and everyone and thank fucking GOD that it’s friday tommorrow. so done with school. EVERYTHING.

and i call that real.

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 17:10:08 -0400

you told me you loved me.

i said it back.

i’m trying to figure out what kind of love this is. it’s not like completely real. it’s not like i mean it like i would if i said it to nicole. if i would say it to her it’d be 110% real because i was in love with her and i do love her. always will.

i think this is like, more like an infatuation or a healthy obsession. we’re not like completely indulged in each other crazily, but we like each other a lot. so i think it’s more than a like, less than a genuine love. there are times where i’ve felt it so much i just wanted to say it, and never could. like hey, i love you. yeayea i know it’s the “L” word but what if i do mean it? i mean i do or else i wouldnt have said it back.

then, i did what i always do. do that and breakdown because i don’t wanna be that person. i feel like this is all a repeat of what i lost for so long and it’s coming back and it’s worse. i thought i wasn’t attatched. i don’t even think i am. i care a lot but there’s no pure attatchment yet. at least i don’t think there is. this is so hard. especially because i have to handle it on my own and i can’t tell anyone.

i always hated what you made me. but now i’m stuck here and don’t know what to do.

alone, yet again.

Sat, 12 Mar 2011 19:27:11 -0500

it’s 7:25 on a saturday night and i’m home doing chemistry homework. what is this. so much for us hanging out tonight, evidently thats not happening. but i guess i really didn’t expect it too. you always let me down, i just got used to it i guess.

i even asked you what you were doing. it’s alright though.

have you ever wished for an endless night? lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight? have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

yes, i have.

is it ever gonna change? is something good gonna happen soon?

they say time heals everything but i’m still waiting.

i’m just rollin’ in the lyrics tonight.

adios.

what have i become.

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 00:37:48 -0500

jen. if youre reading this, im sorry for ruining your cousins relationship with you.

i had a big fight with you tonight, you blamed me for everything and said i was crazy and in therapy because i screwed myself up. these past three weeks i have felt like my old self again, crazed, paranoid, i dont know why i care about what you do. it all came rushing back, like bam hit me and slapped me square in my face. and we fought tonight and screamed and yelled like always. and i know i hurt you, but you hurt me too. so its all a game again . I dont even know what to say other than the fact that you completely destroyed me in every way possible. and im never gonna repair myself from that. and i cant talk to you anymore. i guess going a month without talking was the best thing to do, and now i need to to that again. only longer, forever. i cant do this to myself anymore. i just shouldnt care and its not worth it. i just cant idk, let go.

never make someone your everything.

you told me tonight alls i do is yell at you for everything and you dont know what to do about it. its not fair to you that ive been a bitch, but its not fair to me that you put me in the position im in. but when you said that, it was like someone took the world right out from under my feet and shook it so i could blatanly see it. you sound exactly like nicole. exactly like how i used to be. and i dont wanna be that person with you. i like who i get to be with you because im genuinely happy. i dont want you to see the real me. the emotional fucked basket case jealous bitch i can be. because nicole brought out the worst in me. and you bring the best. and i actually want you around for awhile. its been a long night, and its pouring. and i just dont know what to do anymore. goodnight.

well.

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 22:45:20 -0500

i don’t know why you’re talking to me. did i not just spend a whole night yelling at you last weekend? like what the fuck. you awkwardly stared at me for like three minutes on your way out of the class you purposely come to to see me and tell me ‘can you text me please?’ like alright. what is that. i did not want you to talk to me again after that. whatever. i’m not letting you get to me anymore. done with this shit.

too much alcohol for one weekend…bad news bro.

i’m glad you like them, so stop telling me you like me. like, what the hell. i don’t even get you. at all. you’re putting me in the worst position possible because you know i want you so badly and you clearly want me too yet, they’re there. and there’s nothing you can do about it but sit there and play us both. so sick. cool. i’m about ready to give up again. and everytime i tell myself that you give me a reason to stick around. i don’t understand our relationship and really wish i could but whatever. one day at a time.

i wish i had a date to prom and i wish i wasn’t going to be an hour late because i have a pretty dress.

you’re going to be there with her. ew.

dance all night and be happy vs. spending my whole night in the bathroom?

yet, i still want to go to prom.

what the hell is wrong with me.

i have no idea.

okay bye.

pretty sure i threw up every where last night now my bed sheets smell rediciously. pretty sure i do...

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 04:18:17 -0500

pretty sure i threw up every where last night now my bed sheets smell rediciously. pretty sure i do not remember anything but like, texting you and i don’t even know what i said to you. pretty sure i almost drank a case well, i did drink a case of mikes hard by myseld basically. i feel sick, and it didn’t help that i drank on an empty stomach either. fuck. i really hope my parents go to the gym tmrw because now i’m actually sober and can clean up my mess and maybe talk to them like a real human being seeing as i do not know how i did last night. i vaguely remember speaking to them and they didn’t suspect anything. i just hope they didn’t hear me puking my guts out all over my bed at whatever time that was. fuck this bro. i drank and apparently kept going till i knew i was drunk. and i had to come home too. not a smart choice amanda.
well, fuck.
bye.

thank you, assholes of southington.

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 15:58:49 -0500

1. why did you delete me off facebook? you blonde ugly bitch. i’m pretty sure i never did anything to you i don’t even fucking know you. i guess there’s a reason why no one likes you.

2. cool we haven’t really talked in two days. you stopped texting goodmorning. sick bro.

3. i love capt. sleeping in is the best.

4. tommorrow’s finally friday.

5. angelica beerbaum if you’re reading this i miss you.

6. i hate half of the population of southington, more like 99.56%.

7. tentative plans to break rules of society this weekend? ohyeah.

8. country concerts and summer and drinking.

9. you seemed depressed today…HAHAHAHA. oh well.

10. that is all.

here comes the feeling you thought you forgot.

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 16:00:44 -0500

is it normal to feel 100% alone?

because i do.

besides the obvious like, parental necessary care, i feel so alone.

i don’t feel like any of my friends are on my side anymore.

i don’t like that you’re inching your way back into my circle of friends.

i don’t like that you’re even around.

i don’t like you.

i don’t like that i feel like this means nothing to you when its starting to mean a whole lot to me.

i don’t like how much i actually like you.

i don’t like the fact that i feel like you’re gonna tell me you love me or something soon.

i’m just not content with this right now.

i could sit here and write a list.

but i’m just alone.

and no ones gonna read this either.

so whatever.

fuck it.

i feel like my only object in life is to pass level four english.

thats not even making a name for myself.

and i have no reputation therefore won’t get a prom date because my exgirlfriend trashed it.

so like, i’m shit out of luck.

what’s the point in anything.

i give up.

could it get any worse?

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 17:22:45 -0500

found out today my prom is on the same night as my dance recital. fuck my life.

thanks for acting weird and like a bitch. as far as i know your the one playing me.

i held your hand today. this is so bad.

i can’t even handle myself sometimes.

i'm a mess.

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 15:17:24 -0500

so our realtionship has escalated to a wholeeeeeee other level. like this is legit. i can’t even believe we got this like into each other. but i mean i don’t mean to say i don’t like it, it just, it feels so right yet so so wrong. i mean there’s logical explinations as to why its wrong but idk how i’ll tell sara any of this. we haven’t had a session in so long this is a whole lot to cover. fucking fuck.

i’m so pissed over english.

i dreamt that i told you i loved you, or maybe it was that i was talking to em in my dream? maybe idr who exactly but whatever it is it came out in the text that i sent you basically asleep because i have no recollection of what even happened the other night. l;asdjsl;a i don’t want to start saying love you. i’m getting too attatched, it’s so bad. and now that i basically told you my deepest secret i thought i wasn’t going to tell anyone, i’m really getting attatched. i don’t want to get attatched or even use to you. but i can’t help it. we can’t help the way we feel. i don’t even know anymore. alls i know is i can’t handle class with you. i feel so misplaced. so awkward because we both know what happens behind closed doors. yea…about this.

sla;jg;as i’m going to lay down, running on 3 and a half hours of sleep work and mass amounts of homework here i come. cool.

fml.

community college bound, whaddup.

peace.

so do i throw up now or later?

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 19:21:57 -0500

nice fucking profile picture, first of all. you’re so two faced it makes me want to scream. you know you’re not fucking happy with the cookie cutter realtionship because you’re not used to it. and you’re planning your whole life around her? good fucking luck with that one. i literally can’t tell you how much talking to you twice has had an impact on me. you’re in my dreams, i have nightmares, every single fucking night. it’s really sickening. i don’t know how much longer i can take this. i thought it was easier pushing you out and oh hell it is. but letting you back in makes me feel like you still care. because no matter how much i tell everyone i hate you, i don’t. i love you. and i’ll be in love with you forever. forever and always.

oh…..sick yo. that’s all i have to say about you basically. go out with them. that’s fine. like, oh. i’m glad you’re happy fucking with my head like always. you’re actually two faced too.

i literally feel like throwing up. i don’t want to study for anything, i just want to go to bed and be antisocial. forever alone, you know. casual.

i hate everyone except emily pretty much. that’s not true but it sounds good considering i’m tired of finding a category for everyone else, it’s easier just to put them under the “hate” category and call it a day.

i’m gonna have a freak out tommorrow. cool.

i have fucking driver’s ed. fuck me.

fuck fuck fuck, i don’t even care anymore.

i’m so done associating with the muggle world.

^ yeah that’s right.

kbye.

as i'm looking to the sky to count the stars, i wonder if you see them where you are.

Sun, 16 Jan 2011 13:44:01 -0500

i find it amazing how wrong you could be able someone. you think they’re your good friend one minute and the next they fuck you over like the world is going to end tommorrow.

i just read through most of the previous posts on here and i’m a really mean person, but you know what, i’m still not sorry. i’m not sorry for saying the things i said about her because she deserves every single word i throw at her. she deserves this shit, and its not like, i’m making it up. i and probably anyone who would ever read this could justify that i’m right. because everyone knows who you really are, and deep down inside i know too. but i guess sometimes we just get a little too obsessed with ourselves and what we think is going good in our lives. but hey, look around you doll, no one is sorry for the way you’re acting. your friends aren’t, your family isn’t, and i’m not either. just because you’re in a world of delusion doesn’t mean everyone around you is too.

haven’t heard from you all day, i don’t even care anymore.

i don’t really think i have a solid best friend. i mean i have one, emily, but she doesn’t know the latest in my life. when we lifetalk what i say is selective, just because i don’t feel like arguing with her or telling her anything. i should stop telling other people stuff too. its not like i do everyday, but when i do i kinda let them have it because i usually have things boliing inside me until i explode. well, i’m gonna try and work on that.

i should go start my chemistry review for midterms, fuck my life, where is summer.

i don’t even no anymore. i always feel alone, trapped in my own mind, and it sucks.

i guess we all feel like this sometimes.

i don’t think i’m normal though.

whatever i guess, adios.

so raise your glass.

Sat, 15 Jan 2011 22:41:00 -0500

the only reason why i titled this post that is because its stuck in my head. do you ever think that maybe there isn’t a hidden reason behind everything people do? that maybe they do it to just, do it. yeah thanks nike. besides the fact, do you? like tonight, i told someone something that i heard from someone else. and oh hey yeah, it had to do with nicole and her skank ass girlfriend. go fucking figure. anyway, thats not the point. that someone told her what i said about her, and how upset i was that she was telling people her “college” plans. FIRST of all, they’re fucking rediculous. why the fuck would you go to college just to be with your girlfriend, throughout highschool she hasn’t dated one girl and NOT cheated on them, but she thinks she’s going to last a lifetime with this bitch. OH. let me know how that one works out for you. you fucking bitch. good, go fuck up your life, see if i care. hm, sounds farmiliar, “why do you care?” i care because i’m amanda, and i’ve been in love with the same girl for the past three years. no, i’m not a lesbian. yes, i do love her. will i ever stop loving her? no. i won’t. do i wish i could? yes. i do.

that took alot to admit up there, JUST so you all know.

as for you, why you texted me “y dont you believe me” this afternoon is beyond me, and like i replied, “what’s there to believe?” when, there is nothing anymore.

when i said i could confide in anyone i know, i was wrong. there are four people i can trust in this entire world, one, myself, two, jen, three, my therapist, and four, my mom. she always told me, if you ever need to say anything about anyone, tell me, because you know i’m not going to go back to them and tell them what you said. i should have started listening to her in seventh grade. i have a tendency to trust people too easily, even when they’ve fucked me over millions of times in the past, i still think they’re trustworthy, and worthy for that matter, of my friendship. well, i tried to be nice and i tried to be there for you again. oh, look where that ended up.

thanks, a lot.

this is just a stupid blog of me ranting and ranting about my life. which i really need to stop doing on a regular day basis because sometimes we don’t really notice just how good it can get because we’re too busy sitting around shittalking our own life when we could be digesting the bad and eating a plate full of good.

oh, just one more thing. i wish that whenever you were within a foot of me i could like, act like a human being and not shake uncontrollably like i do. and i also wish that when i have a nervous stomach, i could refrain from throwing up.

i do not think that there’s anything else i need to basically dish out tonight, i just fell asleep watching the social network, and i’m wicked exhausted. i’m gonna take a melatonin and fall asleep, oh yeah, i take pills to go to bed some nights. why? cause you know i can’t sleep through the night without having nightmares or, waking up at rediculous hours to text messages that are just fucking stupid.

to anyone reading this, i guess alls i can say is thanks. and if you don’t comprehend this at all, your human.

so sick of this fucking bullshit.

Sat, 15 Jan 2011 11:03:03 -0500

i blew up on you the other night because i’m sick and tired of your constant flirting shit, which apparently you don’t even mean. i remember exactly what i said to you, and i think i’m justified in saying all of it. like honestly, you flirt with me so much, tell me so much shit, make me believe in you, and then you pull the oh, i’m just kidding about that. OH REALLY? were you kidding all the times you said you’d kiss me? and all the times we talked about what we’d do in bed? really? oh. alright. thats cool. i’m sick of having my head fucked with by you. and i mean, you did start this october 24th when you told me you liked me, didn’t you? oh yeah, you might have forgetten that huh? exactly. GOOD joke. sick fucking joke. and you text me at one in the fucking morning saying Amanda your completely wrong, its not like that at all… OH. oh really? then what is it like? like why don’t you fucking tell me the truth considering everything else you say to me is a bullshit lie. i literally laid in bed and contemplated whether or not i wanted to blow up on you, and i did. and part of me regrets it because shit is weird now and you won’t talk to me. but hey, whatever. i’m sick of holding everything inside when it makes me nuts and then i can’t take it anymore, so i explode. so, it had to come out sooner or later. and you just pushed my buttons too far that night. i thought you would never hurt me, or i believed that you’d never ever upset me because i don’t ever get mad at you, well guess what. i’m changing.

i even started crying because i knew if this were you, you wouldn’t do this to me. you’d mean everything you said because you were actually real. key word, were. now you’re just as fake as the bitch fucking you. i haven’t talked to you in a month. sick.

forever alone.

‘11.

peace out.

shake and pop.

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 14:48:33 -0500

HA, who the fuck you do you think you areeeee yo. ‘i almost called her last night,’ FOR WHAT? for you to expect me to be all, aw well i’m sorry, it’ll be okay. FUCK THAT. like fuck you seriously, i’m not gonna be put on the back burner because your little girlfriend was talking about college. HEY I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. WERE GONNA GO TO COLLEGE EVENTUALLY. and GUESS WHAT. WERE ALL GONNA HAVE TO MOVE THE FUCK ON. you’ve known her how long? 3 months? and you already want to dictate her life by telling her where to go so you can be together? HA. fuck that. anyone in a real, true relationship wouldn’t force their significant other to go to a certain school. they should agree with them whether they go to school in conneticut or east bumfuck for christ sakes. holy shit. honestly, get a grip. i will not answer your calls, or texts. have i in three weeks? oh wait, let me think…no. what makes you think talking about college no less is going to make me feel any more sympathetic towards you in the first place, WHICH there is no sympathy to begin with because i hate you and you hate me. HA. kpeace.

as you drive on by, i'm tempted to run and jump in.

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 21:46:00 -0500

als;djgas;lj, yeah the title should be self explanitory. it is to me. i’m not going to explain it for all of you to read.

anyway, i haven’t basically dished out my feelings in a good while.

one, i literally still hate you. it’s been three weeks. and honestly i don’t give a shit. b for bitch. a for asshole. n for narcassist. l for liar. f for fuckup. r for regret. c for cheater. s for slut. w for whore. every letter of the alphabet wouldn’t be enough to describe my hate for you. you miss your cousins birthday dinner for your ugly slut troll girlfriend’s cheer comp? good, i hope she breaks her face. ohwait…already been done. i hope you honestly hurt her so much she fucking leaves you. you’re scum. i can’t like say enough. i regret you so much. and i don’t love you anymore either.

i actually can’t get mad at you. no matter how hard i try. you make everything better. you said you never wanted to hurt me. you never could. i can’t say i love you even in a friend way, but i do. sometimes i wanna be like love youuu. but not yet. i wish you stopped and said hi. i probably would have kissed you though. but we both know thats okay with each other. so it’s fine. when the chance presents itself…take it. i will.

i don’t really have much else to say. college is stressing me the fuck out. i cried at dinner cause i was so overwhelmed. i don’t wanna talk about it. maybe another time.

i’m forever alone, still. FUCK prom.

i don’t have friends either.

“oh, next time i want a big fucking dyke lesbian to rule my world, i’ll call you. for now get the fuck away from me before i punch you in the face and you can’t drive to go see your ghetto girlfriend”.

except her^.

adios<3

anthonyyyy: ~Megan Fox, a.k.a, the sexiest girl on earth.

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 21:36:38 -0500

anthonyyyy:

~Megan Fox, a.k.a, the sexiest girl on earth.